Living Anxiously Part Three: Define My Values

True success is living by your values. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously.

–Russ Harris

At the beginning of the year, I attended a community meditation about values. After spending time in meditation, where we were asked to imagine our funeral. You can do this too.

  • Where is it?
  • Who is there?
  • What does the person giving the life sketch/eulogy say about you?
  • What do you want him or her to say about you?
  • What do you want everyone to remember about you?

As I considered these things, a few very specific things immediately came to my mind. I quickly wrote them down. This exercise created my number one value that is driving my life right now. Maybe one day I’ll share it, but today is not that day. Too many personal things have already been shared this week.

I mentioned The Happiness Trap yesterday, but I didn’t expound on it much. The book has been a godsend for my husband and me. The Happiness Trap has taught us a lot not only about how to defuse difficult emotions and connect with our lives on a real level, but it has also helped us communicate more honestly and openly with one another. There is an entire section about values because after I develop the ability to defuse anxiety and depression, I need a way to connect with my life so that I don’t continue ruminating in it. And if I do something I value, like mindfully playing with my son and baby, most of the time I forget about the anxiety and become fully involved in what I’m doing. Values are wonderful because they can become the guiding posts for life.

Anyway, the book has a great quiz to help determine your values more specifically and I highly recommend it!

Along with reading The Happiness Trap, I began reading memoirs and watching a few YouTube videos, some from Marie Forleo, and watched interviews with my favorite celebrities. It sounds silly, but reading Dick Van Dyke and Maya Angelou and watching Jane Fonda, Oprah, Ellen, Betty White, Mary Tyler Moore, Kate Winslet, and so many other amazing people discuss important topics and life on roundtables, I was inspired. These are people who felt the pain of life and lived meaningfully anyway.

With their inspiration, I sat down with a notebook and started brainstorming. Pretty quickly I had a long list of what was most important to me. I began connecting the values that went together, i.e. self care and eating well–eating well is more of a sub-topic of self care. I ended up with five very firm values. Then I created a bunch of subtopics underneath, then goals under each subtopic, then under each goal, I defined SMALL things I could do every day to help me focus on the goal which would help me focus on the value.

Again, it is through the small things that a meaningful life is made, so I am focusing on those because I get so overwhelmed by the big things. Small is good for me.
The great thing about values is the great thing about the weather. They change. As I grow older, I won’t be focused on raising little children, it will be raising teenagers (heaven help me), then sending them off to college (bah!), and then some of my values will be something totally different. They are supposed to change, but having something concrete (even if they do change) really helps me to engage with my life and not to get overwhelmed, which for me always leads to anxiety.

Focusing on my values has led me to define my life in a real and meaningful way that has led to more accidental mindfulness (is that an oxymoron?) and falling asleep satisfied with how I spent my day instead of anxious about what I did or did not do on my checklist.

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Living Anxiously Part Two: Feel it and Do it Anyway

storms

The first part of looking at our fear is just inviting it into our awareness without judgment. We just acknowledge gently that it is there. This brings a lot of relief already. Then, once our fear has calmed down, we can embrace it tenderly and look deeply into its roots, its sources.

–Thich Nhat Hanh, Fear

I wanted to go for a walk. It was the beginning of spring and the birds were starting to sing again. Sunday morning walks are some of my favorites. But Jeff couldn’t go and Owen didn’t want to go. Go for a walk on my own? Fear struck my heart; anxiety kicked in and threatened many untrue worries about what could happen.

But my desire to go on this walk was stronger than those fears. My desire to enjoy the sun and take care of myself is something I value and want to uphold.

I took a deep breath, felt the air in my lungs, and allowed the whirling panic to touch that air, dance with it, and say hello to it. Breathing out slowly, I put on my walking shoes, loaded my baby into the stroller, and walked out the door. The walk was so lovely and the longer I walked, the less anxiety I felt.

As I align my values with my life (see the next post tomorrow), I’ve developed one phrase that keeps me going in some of my most paralyzing moments of anxiety and depression:

“Feel it and do it anyway.”

Anxiety and depression storms come. Bad weather is a part of life. But bad weather does not define living. Sunshine comes too, but sunshine does not define living either. Weather moves, it swirls, it changes. If you live in Idaho, it changes every minute. Our emotions are the same way. They are only internal weather that comes and goes. We can look inwardly, like we’d look out the window, and say, “Hello, sunshine” or “Hello, thunder,” and keep going anyway.

Fighting the storm is what brings the pain. Fighting the anxiety intensifies the anxiety–sometimes ten-fold. Sure, there are days when the storms are too painful to work through. And that’s okay too. But as I’ve continued with this method, the anxiety and depression are a part of me, but they don’t run my life anymore. Gradually, they’ve begun to step back and give the stage to other more meaningful parts of me.

In case you’re interested, here’s a quick run-down of how I treat a mild to moderate anxiety attack:

  1. Anxiety hits, flames begin to build inside my chest
  2. Start to panic
  3. Remember it’s okay–the weather is changing (sometimes it takes a while for me to remember this, but with practice it’s becoming easier)
  4. Say “hello, anxiety” or “hello, depression, I wondered when I’d see you today. I’m going to do the dishes, come along if you’d like.”
  5. Then, and this is the most important part, I let the anxiety or depression stay. Instead of fighting it, I cradle it like I would my little baby, and then I become engaged in the task at hand. I take a few breaths and mindfully wash the dishes–feel the bubbles on my fingers, watch the stream of water run down the cookie sheet. All of it while breathing in and out mindfully. I used to hate washing the dishes. It isn’t so bad when I do it this way.
  6. Usually in a low to moderate anxiety attack, this is enough for it to say, “I’ve been seen. Time to go on my way.” If it isn’t, that’s okay. I feel it and keep going anyway. Small steps. That is all that matters.Small, meaningful moments create a meaningful life. Small is all I need.

As you read, please remember that I am not a therapist. I am not qualified to say that this will work for everyone. My goal in writing down all of this is mainly for me to remember and to maybe, just maybe, help someone else. I forget about these steps a lot, so writing them down on this blog has helped me to remember.

I have learned a lot of these ideas through my therapy sessions and through my reading. If you are interested in learning about defusing difficult emotions, from anxiety and depression to anger and pain, you might want to read The Happiness Trap and/or anything from Thich Nhat Hanh (Fear and From Mud to Lotus have been my favorites so far). They have helped me learn how to recognize the storms and defuse them–and most importantly, to learn that most storms are normal and absolutely and totally okay. Like I said, fighting against those storms will make them much, much worse, so most of the time it is easier to just sit back and watch the rain.